Saturday, June 24, 2006

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Mini Insight

I've been taking and collecting pictures of the family cats. This is Hannibal and he lives up to his name despite having been such a sweet kitten.
This hasn't been an especially long day but I'm headachey and tired. For the first time, I cemented or plastered--whatever--a hole around our basement door. Harry tells me it was a mouse hole. If I'd known that, I would have plastered it a very long time ago.
The basement looks okay. It's half-filled with stored stuff--luggage; tools; old televisions that should have been given away; my old easel and other miscellaneous things including odds and ends.
I'm not happy. Well, maybe I am. I'm content and I enjoy my life for sure. But Harry tells me I'm selfish, and I think I am. He does all the cooking; shopping; wash; money--which also gives him control; car repairs etc. Takes out the trash too. I do the cleaning, sleep, paint, eat, and not too much else. If he didn't cook, I'd be eating microwaved and delivered food mostly and my clothes would get cleaned when I needed them. It would be a different life. But I'd be lonely too and it's better with him than without him. His sex drive bugs me; I'm super liberal but my libido was never ha cha cha even though yeah, I appreciate bodies. I never even wanted to get intimate with those guys. I do like sexy poses etc. but still, nope, I enjoyed it but didn't want more. So I'm forever running away from him or annoyed. Well, he gets aggravated over small stuff like traffic and time and he bugs me. He gets mad, pushy, and I back away. Bullish. I haven't gotten over that behavior yet. I don't think I'll live long enough to accomplish it either. Well, not everything gets worked out. (I still don't want to reincarnate to keep working on that or any other issue. Life is really scary, especially in lots of places.)
I forget what's happening tomorrow, but I know I should probably get to my nightly activities like brushing my teeth and my finger stick. One more thing. My old job came back to me today because my former employer is going after people who aren't following one of their rules. HaHa. It's enforced some places with heavy artillary but in other places, like where I worked, the bosses winked at the "offenders" if the offenders were in the "in crowd." I couldn't afford to break their stupid rule; we were paying for our son's education and had to stay in a city row house to have the money. Working seems like another lifetime or a fantasy, no longer real. And that's very good. I believe in looking inward; striving for power or lots of money is a waste of our time here on earth. The people I worked with had no idea.
I guess it's time to make the donuts. Thanks for listening.

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