Sunday, January 21, 2007

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Jerry! Get Better!

I just had to fill out fifteen forms to write on my blog. These sites change programs and we're supposed to change and remember new procedures and passwords. Blegh!
My cousin/brother Jerry is at the hospital again; my children took him this time. He doesn't have Lymphoma, thank God, but he needed blood again and he's very sick. He wouldn't go via 911 by himself. Bubba Freda goes by herself. It's got to be scary, but I accept the fact that when you're sick, you're stuck. Jerry WAS admitted and he's back in Pulmonary ICU. He'll have different tests this time because he needed more blood. BUT, it turns out he doesn't have Lymphoma! So maybe he'll have a chance to actually get better this time. I pray so.
Time for dishes and movies by a roaring fire.
Movie and fire done. Nothing doing except Jerry. He's been next to me my whole life;
He's been special to me. My big brilliant cousin. When Brian was little, Jerry carried Brian on his shoulders. He has been a best friend to my children all their lives. When Honey was 19, he sent her on a dig in Sardinia. In high school she had pretty much lived in his apartment in town. Then Brian lived in his house when he went to Germantown Friends.
When I was eight, I missed Jerry; he was playing basketball. (He was six feet tall at eleven.) I would go to the playground and swing waiting for him to finish and we'd go back to his house and play. If I had realized the pain his smoking would cause me, could I have stopped him? Would anything have made him put them down?
The "spirit light" flicks on and off, on its own of course. I know the spirits are worried about him. Or about all of us. I saw my Aunt Betty and my mother the other night in one of my special dreams. I always assume the spirits are visiting. She doesn't come too often. I wanted to stay and talk to her; my choice was to talk to her or Jerry. I think I was going to Jerry. I'm purposely meditating again so I can sense the spirits the way I used to do.
I never knew the torture of loving someone and worrying that they'd die. I had friends who died. My father and then my mother. I had wanted my mother to see Brian BarMitzvahed but she didn't make it and I cried. But Jerry is my loss. My fear.

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2 Comments:

Blogger cara winsor hehir said...

blogger has been difficult lately...
you sound out of sorts my dear, hope you are taking care of yourself, it is hard to do when your thoughts of well being are centred on someone else.
i love that you feel the spirits of your family. i believe that the cats we have lost have moved back in, making odd appearances.

9:26 PM  
Blogger painterjayne said...

I am out of sorts Cara. I've bitten my fingernails to nothing and I'm eating relentlessly. Instead of being a mainstay in my world, my cousin has fallen apart. I had no, none, nada, idea of what it feels like to be losing someone you love. Most of the time, I'm somewhere else, but then I remember. I am watching out for myself; I'm going up to Philly only once this week. I feel guilty and like a slagger because I'm not going more. I feel lost.
Sometimes I feel my family around and yes, I've felt my animals who have passed on. It isn't happening now, but I'm glad yours are with you. It's a good feeling. My little Autumn--who's actually pretty big--is here with me now. She's my little girl kitty.

11:30 PM  

2 Comments:

blogger has been difficult lately...
you sound out of sorts my dear, hope you are taking care of yourself, it is hard to do when your thoughts of well being are centred on someone else.
i love that you feel the spirits of your family. i believe that the cats we have lost have moved back in, making odd appearances.

By Blogger cara winsor hehir, at 9:26 PM  

I am out of sorts Cara. I've bitten my fingernails to nothing and I'm eating relentlessly. Instead of being a mainstay in my world, my cousin has fallen apart. I had no, none, nada, idea of what it feels like to be losing someone you love. Most of the time, I'm somewhere else, but then I remember. I am watching out for myself; I'm going up to Philly only once this week. I feel guilty and like a slagger because I'm not going more. I feel lost.
Sometimes I feel my family around and yes, I've felt my animals who have passed on. It isn't happening now, but I'm glad yours are with you. It's a good feeling. My little Autumn--who's actually pretty big--is here with me now. She's my little girl kitty.

By Blogger painterjayne, at 11:30 PM  

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