A Lupus Day & The Art Scene Sucks

Another Lupus flare hit, but this one isn't quite overwhelming. I'm feeling under the weather. This morning, when I was getting ready to meet the two Delaware authors, I realized I was afraid I'd faint if I went out. I didn't feel light-headed, but I knew fainting could be on the horizon. So I looked for their phone numbers for hours and couldn't find anything. Later, I was able to manipulate the downstairs telephone, and got one of their home numbers.

With me, it's usually aggravation that raises my blood pressure, then causes inflammation in my nervous system and "Voila!" Lupus flare! I have serious tests coming up beginning Friday for a couple of long-time symptoms. One is my swallowing "down the wrong pipe", which is apparently dangerous. For years, I've been coughing regularly even when I'm just swallowing saliva. But the test won't show anything if the swallowing thing doesn't occur when I'm being tested. Isn't that the way of things?

Another test coming up is for my shortness of breath at any time. That's also "sometimey". It would be nice to find out what causes these two annoying events; but I definitely don't want to take any more medications. My body is now addicted to at least six or more serious medications. I am concerned as I grow older about the side effects or what will happen if I need to suddenly come off the drugs because of another problem.

I'm surprised I can type. I was too tired to try earlier and it's an effort now. Music always helps me. I put on Putumayo (World Music) music from all over Africa. It's so soft, like folk music here except I can't understand the words. It's beautiful.

I'm sitting here at my own desk, in my own room, looking out my windows and at my artwork. I've been reading The Lost by Mendelsohn and one piece of his schtick is class, education, and style. Nearing the end of this book, that crap is turning my stomach and also bringing up the questions, "What am I doing? Where am I going? Is backing away from everything I don't like okay? Am I required by some higher ideal to show and sell my artwork? Is looking like a frumpy weirdo not okay? Am I somehow less because I am not upper-class and hanging out with college professors? (That's total bullshit.) But the question that rankles is, am I shorting myself or my children by not showing my artwork?" I always enjoyed the attention in my openings and I loved being Artist of the Year and having articles written about me. I felt like a child looking for acceptance, validation, going to galleries, seeking their backing. Actually, I'm pretty sure I could go back to B-Square and she would show my work but I don't want to be bothered. And I loathe the phoney art scene. No matter what I say, I won't be approaching anybody to show my work. My friend Alexis will be showing it in late Winter in Philly and that's enough. I was forgetting about how the nice young woman at B-Square insisted I frame my work one way and hung ones I didn't want up leaving out ones I liked. And the way she hung it, I thought was bad. I was right. And the gallery before that hung it fine but I had problems getting the work back and when I did, one was missing and the frames were damaged. Before that, I'd have to look at my information because I forget.

Being an artist, being able to draw something I like from my heart, is a gift, a blessing. I thank God, never forgetting how blessed I am. I am not marvelously talented; that's not necessary. What I have is enough. My artwork has brought joy to my life, all my life. No one has to endorse my artwork for me to love it. No one has to buy it. All that needs to happen is for me to do it.

P.S. I destroyed that painting. First, I accidentally put my foot through it. Then, after I repaired it, I decided to redo Gaiea, and that was the end. The pictures of the painting are what I like. The painting I really wanted to use today is an old one from 1974. It's a complex painting, but on maybe one third of it, I'm painting. I have no photos of that painting.