Jerry, hi....

Jerry, I hope you can hear me; I hope you're near. I talk to you every night, hoping you're there with the family. Honey and I both feel you're okay now. We don't feel confusion. I'm depressed though, really grieving. I never did before, but that's not important at all. I hate having to go out and act normal. I know this crying will pass and I wish I could wait till then. We always know what we really want to do. When you were sick, I wanted--needed--to be with you. Fooling around down here in Delaware didn't feel right and I'm glad I came up and stayed with you. I wish I hadn't wasted a moment, hadn't stayed in Delaware for that one week, but I didn't know. You were going downhill at racer speed, and I missed seeing you, being there with you.

Bruce came in; you know that. He felt sad, and talked about you're having been his big brother and how much patience you had with him. He talked at your funeral. I couldn't and neither could Ho. We had a nice rabbi Jer. You would have liked him, I think. He didn't understand you; we weren't able to communicate your spirit well enough. I think he focused on your chess championships and you just stuck the awards in the drawer. I put both of them either in or on my corner curio cabinet. I'd like to do something with your plaques; maybe hang them in the pantry. Or maybe put them on the bookshelves if I can get them to stand up. We don't know about all those ships though. Eventually, we'll get to them. Meanwhile, Harry and I are bringing the plants home with us. They're doing fine. I'll bring the big orange tree home and put it in our living room in the window. I'm talking to all of them Jer. I'm praying they'll be okay. After all, they're used to you and cigarette smoke. (That's not a dig.)

I don't know about all your food. We'll get it out. I'm trying to work out holding your bed for when Brian buys a house. He has only one now, but it would be nice to have a bed for either children or company. He loves all your stuff. Byll isn't talking but she really liked you. She came to your funeral and she didn't go to any from her family.

Fran wrote you know. She said that even though she hadn't seen you in a long time, she couldn't imagine a world you weren't in. That was nice. Bruce came across all the sad stuff you drew after she left you. I'll burn them unless you give me a signal to keep them. You knew, didn't you, that you'd never want anyone else? I wish you'd been able to date though. I think you might have enjoyed it even though it's kind of a pain. People were telling me how handsome you were. I always thought so but I knew I was prejudiced. So I bet other women would have liked you too. Especially a heavy metal fan like you were.

Harry's downstairs making steak sandwiches. I'll have to go. I have to clean the downstairs bathroom too. People sleeping over and all.

All my love...and tears,

Jaynee