Never Never Goodbye

Jerry died Tuesday morning.
It's almost impossible to understand Jerry isn't here anymore. He was a mainstay in my life and suddenly he's gone. I knew he'd gotten sick a month and a half ago, but he'd seemed healthy. Nothing hurt. Suddenly he became weak and a month later, he was dead. Jerry, who I loved more than anyone until my brother was born, then my children, is gone.
I don't feel "Why me?", I just don't understand. I know everybody loses people they love and it's the same for them as for me. It feels like a knife in the heart. I'm not bitter; I'm lost. Yeah, Jerry was brilliant and eccentric, but he was my beloved brother. I've bitten my nails off and down as far as they'll go since he's been sick.
The "spirit" light blinked on and off when we talked about Jerry tonight and Bruce thought he saw Jerry last night. Honey and I believe he's okay now. I asked him to let me know and I think he's trying. I won't be convinced until I see him. I can't believe he's gone.