Monday, January 30, 2006

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I FEEL LIKE A BROKEN-DOWN BALLET


Above is Broken Down Ballet and I can't remember if I sold it or if it's stored. It's a mystery!
Monday...used to be the start of the week; now, I love it. Yesterday Honey and Brian visited; Honey was sick and Brian did his wash. Even though Honey was sick, she wanted to do a re-birthing for me. We did it and I was surprised that it revealed information I desperately wanted. After my prednisone crash in July that ended my outside working career, at times I've felt a black hole of pain. It totally disabled and frightened me. No amount of wishing will diminish emotional pain like that so my goal in the re-birthing was clarity. And I got it. I was able to see my childhood experiences and how I felt. I don't understand why it stayed with me as a well of sadness with all the therapy I'd done, or whether yesterday will have somehow changed it. I hope so.
I feel less connected to that pain today. I wonder if how I feel is only some kind of respite. Temporary. Or is it actually movement? Is my self-opinion different? Don't know. Is it just that the internal screaming is gone? Maybe.
I'm not living better. I still almost finished yesterday's cake, ate two pieces of garlic bread to Harry's one with our soup. My diet is in shambles; I ate candy at lunch. I think about walking on the treadmill and that's as far as it goes. I have been painting though. I get bored on here because I refuse to do the hard work putting paintings on my website and beyond that, after email, there's nothing I want to do. So I go next-door and paint, yelling at the kittens to get off the paint, not to lick it, and stay off my drawing table. Autumn particularly keeps getting on and sliding down my drawing table. Moon is the watercolor taster. I'm working on a chicken now--Mrs. Chicken Goes Home. It's my barnyard phase having graduated from my erotic phase.
Uh oh, I see I'm still depressed but not with that terrific pain, just listlessness. Melancholy. All this self-examination and pain is difficult. I don't have a choice because I feel this way so I suppose I could say it's an opportunity--one that doesn't offer any kind of window on the prize, and really, no winning at the end.

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