Monday, January 23, 2006

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GETTING TO SLEEP AND THEN GETTING UP AGAIN

Boudoir..That's one of the first nudes I sold. I put it here just because it takes place in a bedroom.
Today was a busy day; we straightened a lot of stuff and that feels good to me. I even got the cat food picked up from the floor here. I don't really know what has been going on in the world despite reading the newspaper and hearing the news. It went over my head. I keep forgetting to call my friend Nancy who can't read this because she gave up her computer. And I've been putting off calling my cousin Jerry because he hurt my feelings and I'm freaked about talking to him. That may have been why I got so depressed Saturday. But who knows? Not me.
I started to frame my paintings and found Frame Fit gave me the wrong Plexiglas--the glare type. I put one frame around one piece and it looks great, but glare Plexiglas is no help. It sucks actually.
Harry brought up the foot bath thing Brian gave me for my birthday last year that I couldn't use downstairs because it made such a mess and just took so much time and effort. I thought perhaps I could use it in the bathtub. It doesn't feel like much more than an old fashioned foot bath; not like a foot rub which is what I expected. Less power. But still it's nice and it doesn't feel fair not to use it. The upstairs bathroom is getting to be the most crowded room in the house and it's tiny. I just ordered a toilet paper tower for it because the kittens, if they can get toilet paper, unroll it and chew on it. Then little pieces get all over the house despite my careful cleaning up. I've been keeping it on a shelf above the toilet with my loads of body creams and splashes. I want the space and I don't like keeping the toilet paper up above my head.
In a little bit I'll go take a hot bath in the hope it will relax me except for Autumn Kitten leaning over too far on the edge of the tub. Then I stop reading and head into the bedroom to read in bed which I love. I've had a terrible time sleeping ever since I got off Mysoline. I used to hit the pillow and off to sleep I went. I think Lamictal, which I really need, is not only making my hair fall out but keeping me from sleeping. Then when I do fall asleep--from medication usually now--I can't awaken. Partly, I don't want to wake up, but also it's the only time I can really sleep. Yeah, my joy in life has somehow taken off and that's a terrible shame. There is so much I enjoy doing yet in the morning, it feels as though there's no good reason to get out of bed. If I could I'm afraid I'd just stay in bed sleeping for days, or until I got hungry or had to go to the bathroom again. Only food would get me moving downstairs though and then my terrific coffees would do the trick. Coffee is another thing I love. My family; my animals; painting; my computer; movies; eating; reading; shopping; talking and spending time with my friends...I'm probably leaving out lots of stuff but my point is that I know I have a good life and I'm grateful. And not just that, there is so much I enjoy yet I feel as though I have no reason to wake up.
I've just started to research Lupus depression and maybe there will come a point where I'll understand this. I hope so. But I don't think there will ever be a medication that will cure my discomfort at leaving the house or being with people who don't actively like me. One time with one of them and I never want to go back. That's probably not unusual. I'm trying to give myself no excuses and I'd like to also give myself credit where it's due. Maybe the truth is that Lupus brought out my tendency toward depression and made it worse. I may never know but that sounds reasonable.

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