Thursday, January 26, 2006

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I feel so luxurious; I've got on new pajamas--I'd been wearing old tee shirts of my son Brian's cut down the front because I can't stand anything too high on my neck, and ungorgeous pj bottoms from either the thrift store or closet leftovers. Harry readily agreed I needed pajamas; he likes me to look nice and I obviously haven't been. Lots of days I would just change into another pajama outfit, not wear a bra or combing my hair. Pajamas are new to me; for years I was hot almost all the time, especially at night. Suddenly, I'm cold and I needed something on my legs and sleeves on my arms. I know my nervous system is what's most effected by my lupus and that includes my autonomous nervous system that regulates heat, heart beat, swallowing and breathing. And more. For all I know maybe it would be all better if I exercised, but I'm not ready.
Today, my first activity was to visit the psychiatrist telling him I was depressed again. He wanted me to increase Lamictal back to 100 mgs. and had trouble believing I felt no difference between 50 and 100 mgs. except that my hair fell out at a greater rate. So I let him prescribe Wellbutrin which I'll take in addition to my current medications which include Paxil. About a year ago, my neurologist had me come off Effexor one day and start Wellbutrin the same day. I became terribly nauseous. But I'm hoping Effexor was the cause and this is a different compound of Wellbutrin--slowly dissolving instead of immediate insult. I'm hoping I"ll be okay and perhaps, happier.
Lately, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning which isn't new, but I also don't want to write in my blog; work on my website; or finish framing my new artwork. Or do more. I miss that stuff and feel sad about not attending to it. I want to hang the Singer and Little Man. I may put the Duck Reading on here today; I love that. It's not matted yet and I'd like to matte and frame it. Why, I don't know, but it "resonates" with me.
My head is starting to ache again. I think I had a migraine the night before last and they've increased again. I'm stocked with medications but I'll have to restock my handbag. It was nice not entertaining the pain and nausea. My leg almost gave out a couple of times today too. Both the migraines and the leg nerve stuff is part of lupus. As long as I don't fall (and can't get up) I'm okay.
I've been regularly focusing on myself in the "here and now" hoping that's meditation. It can't hurt and I hope it helps because as I said before, I can't afford to see my therapist more than maybe once a month and that isn't enough. It would really be horrible if I truly were ugly, stupid, untalented, and crude. Thank God it's a fantasy bred by being ignored as a child and making inaccurate assumptions. That sounds narcissistic, but I really do believe that shit about myself and I also am wise enough to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life including my abilities. Sometimes they don't look like much when I hang out with my (genius) cousin but smarts are relative.
Jerry and I are going out tomorrow; we usually do on Fridays for lunch. Having Jerry is another gift. I feel blessed by good friends, Jerry, my brother, my children and Harry. And I haven't mentioned our kittens and they're a lot of fun. So that's it; I"m gonna put up the duck.



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