As Good As It Gets

My leg hurts. Nine days ago, I had arthroscopic knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus and hack off some arthritic gunk. I wondered why not just my knee, but my leg hurt. It turns out, to do the surgery, they take the blood out of the knee by applying a tourniquet. Ugh. I found out that down the line, my knee pain will increase, but new knees don't come with my problem. Great news. Not.
I sleep from about 2 AM till 11 AM, then read my email and messages till about 12 noon. My day starts for real, maybe about 2. I often end up painting till 9 at night. That's fine. I feel as though I'm not doing enough though. I have lists from months ago that I never did. I feel like all I actually DO is paint. I'll go back to the water exercise because I have to. I don't like to be bothered. All I want to do is paint, read the paper, play with the kittens, and watch television. And sleep. I should be painting the canes. I keep saying I will, but I haven't. So much gets forgotten that I wish I had done. Wish I would do, but probably won't.
I'm lonely. I wish I had friends down here. So far, everyone I meet is either conservative or too religious. They don't know Jews down here. It's like we're exotic creatures that live somewhere else. I was friendly with one woman and found out her husband was something of a lout. Intelligent, but ignorant. I don't want to start up a friendship with a woman married to someone I can't stand, unless the woman is really my kind of person. That kind is liberal, progressive, open-minded, honest, smart, and open. Kooky is good too. How many people in Delaware, or anywhere, are like that?
Delaware is a great state for Harry and I, in that everything we need is within about fifteen minutes driving time. That includes all the shopping. The doctors and hospital are five minutes away. We couldn't have afforded a house in Pennsylvania where that would have been the situation. I know it's not possible to have everything. I have a lot here. I still love my house and our front and backyards. I'm thrilled to be here. I guess I kinda wish the neighbors and people I see around would be my type of people. I know now why my mother used to say Delaware was full of "hicks". I wonder what she thought of people in Ohio?
So, I think I'm depressed. I'm taking what I think of as tons of psychiatric medications to brighten my mood. I guess they're keeping me out of bed and away from the knife container. Probably, the shoulds are killing me. I wish with all my heart that Jerry was still here. He had the patience to read philosophy and know all the world's religions. He gave me one piece of the most important information I know: 'All I need to do is be.' I need him now. I need to know more, but I don't want to open the books. Fantasy is so much easier. Even history. Those books only tell me that we're all crazy and not getting any better. (Tell me how people like W, Hillary, and the rest of them aren't depressed. Why not? How not? Is that actually possible?)
I'm mixed up. It's okay to go right into death being confused. There are lots of things that are worse. Natch. Well, I'm 60, I'm not ready to turn to dust. I still have painting to do, and I enjoy my kids and kittens. Harry is looking better with his gray hair, albeit cranky and not feeling well. That's as good as it gets.