Friday, February 24, 2006

2 Want to Comment?

DEPRESSION & DECISIONS


We just watched the movie "Rent" and I'm depressed. Years ago I saw the play, but a movie is more immediate; it feels more real. There were emotions in that movie I've never felt. Maybe they're not real; movies usually don't present reality realistically. Gradually, I'm finding all my disappointment that might never have surfaced were it not for prednisone. I never want to repeat that experience but it opened opportunities I might never have tripped over, or maybe I would have but too late.
I don't understand yet why I don't want to eat healthy. It's more than loving food which I do. I see why it's hard for me to speak up and with my personality, why I resent folks who don't encourage me (which is kind of ridiculous, but really a problem.) And I wanted a different life, maybe a Prince Charming with all the accouterments. Sad. This is making me more depressed. Just seeing this stuff and understanding where it came from doesn't take it away. It hurts.
Running around for showers isn't fun either. Today I was out with Jerry and that's normally fun. It was, actually. Why I'm not bored silly when he tells me in detail about electrical lines, chess, or poker, I don't understand. But I enjoy my time with him even if he talks over me pretty often. He really is brilliant but he's afraid to feel stupid and that prevents him from experimenting. Or playing chess when he can't be a star anymore. Apparently, chess players peak when they're young and then gradually decline until I guess they have to play just anybody. Yet he can't understand why I care about people seeing my paintings.
We ate at a good deli in Bucks County then zipped around shopping. I finally bought a replacement four-cup coffee maker. I loved the one I had at work; I didn't miss anything else I left there. Just the little coffee maker. I wake myself up every morning with flavored coffee: Egg Nog; Pumpkin; Chocolate with and without mixing in Caramel coffee; Vanilla Cream with cinnamon sticks and added vanilla; and I have a couple more waiting. Plus I want to make myself some Pumpkin bread with raisins and nuts but I have no time with the shower vacations. I'm not sure about my energy either with the depression hanging over me.
Tomorrow is Bubba's shower again and then none on Sunday. Monday we're supposed to be able to use our own bathtub again. I hope so; I have too much scheduled.
I think I'm depressed about the house options too. A good number of the nice ones have oil heat which is out. And I liked the houses better in Kennett Square and Phoenixville than in Glenside or Cheltenham--all suburbs of Philly. I can't buy a very expensive house and I have to watch out for escalating taxes too. Plus I don't want to move to a conservative lily-white area. True Suburbia? I live closer to Glenside et al now and I think they match what I want better. This all makes me anxious. I've lived here for thirty years and I hated it for about twenty. At least. A friend of mine gave me the low-down on some areas in Delaware County and I'm grateful. Hey! The decision is made! It's somewhere in Glenside/Roslyn/Cheltenham or whatever!

2 Comments:

Anonymous susan shami said...

Love this painting. How big is it and what media?

5:32 AM  
Blogger painterjayne said...

Which painting Susan? The nude or the sad one? The sad one was, I think, 11 x 14", I think mixed-media, mostly pastels. I know I sold it a few years ago, but to whom, I can't remember.
The hair medication is Rogaine and it is also sold as a generic. The dermatologist said it usually doesn't grow hair but it keeps what you have. I haven't begun to use it yet. I know I should.
I know I'm depressed just by how little I do. But thanks to prednisone, I'm aware of all the emotional pain in my life.

2:32 PM  

2 Comments:

Love this painting. How big is it and what media?

By Anonymous susan shami, at 5:32 AM  

Which painting Susan? The nude or the sad one? The sad one was, I think, 11 x 14", I think mixed-media, mostly pastels. I know I sold it a few years ago, but to whom, I can't remember.
The hair medication is Rogaine and it is also sold as a generic. The dermatologist said it usually doesn't grow hair but it keeps what you have. I haven't begun to use it yet. I know I should.
I know I'm depressed just by how little I do. But thanks to prednisone, I'm aware of all the emotional pain in my life.

By Blogger painterjayne, at 2:32 PM  

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