Friday, June 30, 2006

0 Want to Comment?

Sleepy stuff

Just caulked the bathroom floor. I'm getting good at caulking . Going downstairs to continue on another floor! Still working on our house. Seven people have come through but no offers. We don't get feedback either. Can't tell what isn't okay but I think it's the school and no parking. We cleaned up the garden yesterday to show there is parking. But I don't know. People have these monster SUVs now and they probably wouldn't fit.
Autumn had her surgery. She's now not able to have kittens, not that she'd ever been in heat at seven months, but I knew it had to be done. My friend doesn't do that with her animals but we always did. Years ago, when we moved here, our little Anise, a black persian mix, got out. She'd been spayed and luckily she came back to our doorstep. She was a little baby too, like Autumn. Next time Moon, our male Maine Coon, goes to the vet, I want him to have a chip put into his ear. He tries to get out and if he ever does, I want to be able to find him. He's a wonderful cat.
I guess it's back to work now.
Back here after dinner. Maybe tomorrow I'll paint the rest of the upstairs hallway. I did very good caulking jobs. I should coat them with polyurethane but I really don't want to spend the time. I'm annoyed that the house didn't sell yet and I know that's silly.
Last night gorgeous Alexis visited. It was difficult to get my tongue off the floor long enough to drink two very strong martinis but I did it. And after that I told him everything. Of course! He's lucky he got away. We haven't seen Alexis for about a year and he just looks edible. I know I said that. Just Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. So I lectured him on WASPs and God knows what else. I'm glad he laughed.
Today, Lynne called while I was caulking and I told her I don't go to Rocco's anymore because I don't like some of the people. Lynne loves gossip but it's actually no secret. I'm working on the hurt I feel when jerks don't recognize what I possess. It really doesn't feel like a loss for anyone. Maybe it's just not meant to be. We can't all be on the same road.
I am so tired. Ugh. I should do:
scanning in pictures I did
get the Epson thing running. I don't want to though.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

0 Want to Comment?

Painting the house & looking for ghosts

No color today. I miss it. Nope, can't get it. Started painting woodwork today. Looks very good. Clean. Makes me dirty though. Getting the downstairs and upstairs hallway professionally painted. Should fix the back parking space too. Would be smart. People can't imagine parking there. Looks too small. Have to work on that. Too much to work on.
Dreamt of ghosts last night. Pretty un-scared around them if they're one at a time. See (dead) family in my dreams all the time & believe they're visiting. Saw one of my old neighbors here once when I was awake. A ghost. Very hazy. Thought she had the wrong house maybe. Used to sense spirits but can't now. Miss them. But I don't meditate & should. Forgot/ forget.
Time to brush MissAutumn.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

0 Want to Comment?

Mini Insight

I've been taking and collecting pictures of the family cats. This is Hannibal and he lives up to his name despite having been such a sweet kitten.
This hasn't been an especially long day but I'm headachey and tired. For the first time, I cemented or plastered--whatever--a hole around our basement door. Harry tells me it was a mouse hole. If I'd known that, I would have plastered it a very long time ago.
The basement looks okay. It's half-filled with stored stuff--luggage; tools; old televisions that should have been given away; my old easel and other miscellaneous things including odds and ends.
I'm not happy. Well, maybe I am. I'm content and I enjoy my life for sure. But Harry tells me I'm selfish, and I think I am. He does all the cooking; shopping; wash; money--which also gives him control; car repairs etc. Takes out the trash too. I do the cleaning, sleep, paint, eat, and not too much else. If he didn't cook, I'd be eating microwaved and delivered food mostly and my clothes would get cleaned when I needed them. It would be a different life. But I'd be lonely too and it's better with him than without him. His sex drive bugs me; I'm super liberal but my libido was never ha cha cha even though yeah, I appreciate bodies. I never even wanted to get intimate with those guys. I do like sexy poses etc. but still, nope, I enjoyed it but didn't want more. So I'm forever running away from him or annoyed. Well, he gets aggravated over small stuff like traffic and time and he bugs me. He gets mad, pushy, and I back away. Bullish. I haven't gotten over that behavior yet. I don't think I'll live long enough to accomplish it either. Well, not everything gets worked out. (I still don't want to reincarnate to keep working on that or any other issue. Life is really scary, especially in lots of places.)
I forget what's happening tomorrow, but I know I should probably get to my nightly activities like brushing my teeth and my finger stick. One more thing. My old job came back to me today because my former employer is going after people who aren't following one of their rules. HaHa. It's enforced some places with heavy artillary but in other places, like where I worked, the bosses winked at the "offenders" if the offenders were in the "in crowd." I couldn't afford to break their stupid rule; we were paying for our son's education and had to stay in a city row house to have the money. Working seems like another lifetime or a fantasy, no longer real. And that's very good. I believe in looking inward; striving for power or lots of money is a waste of our time here on earth. The people I worked with had no idea.
I guess it's time to make the donuts. Thanks for listening.

Monday, June 19, 2006

0 Want to Comment?

Our Family Cats

My baby, Autumn

King Tut
My Moon, then Tip Tip

Friday, June 16, 2006

0 Want to Comment?

Older Artwork

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

2 Want to Comment?


It's taken me hours of work over a number of days but I finally repaired my Page 1 on my website. I finished my front page a couple of weeks ago. After Tripod threw off their pieces of my website because of the nudes I assume, I had to redo all the links etc. I wanted to change a lot of the pictures--cut the pages down again. I had intended to make the pages shorter but I think I'm ending up making them longer.
Most of my days recently have been devoted to getting the house ready for sale. I think I've finished packing everything laying around and the house looks bare enough but it's not very clean. The downstairs is probably as good as it's going to get, and I have yet to do the upstairs. The basement is okay. I'm waiting for an estimate for painting the downstairs. I'd like to have it done but I can't afford much now. We spent so much; we've basically run out. Time to move on.
Speaking of moving, my brother will be here tomorrow from LA. He's coming in for our son's college graduation. We've been paying for our son's education from the time he was one, I think. So, finally, we're finished.
I'm writing all about money. I don't like that; don't want to do it. Our third Epson Photo whatever went bad today. I can't believe it. It's under warranty so they'll send us another one and we'll send this third one back to them. I hope this is the last one.
That's really all I feel like saying. Oh, I'm going to have to stop seeing my old (very good) therapist. I've been seeing her about once a month since I had that horrible experience with depression when I cut my prednisone too fast. She's too expensive though. More money stuff. My insurance doesn't cover her and besides being a raging maniac inside (from childhood issues of course) I'm fine. I'm not that ragey I guess. I've seen way worse. There are things--experiences--I can't ace. Things I'd like to be able to do, but I can't. There aren't many and even though I'd like them fixed, I don't think it's going to happen. I do believe people can change if they have the determination and ability. I used to and I did. I pray I never go through what I did last year though. My therapist is getting way old and I'm terrified I'd be lost without her if that happened again. She understood and didn't try to give me impossible advice but she did help me through it. It's just that I freaked out when I got that horribly depressed. I don't think I'd be calm if that or anything else bad happened. I was hysterical last year. I think I had a nervous breakdown out of terror.
I just noticed it's late. Gotta get to bed. Note: This thing will not pick up pictures.

Monday, June 05, 2006

2 Want to Comment?

Falling for Lupus

Harry is honoring me today, using this article in his weekly column for SCOOP, USA. That's a small Philly weekly free paper; he's been writing for them for twenty-five years and hasn't missed a week. Well, in a way he has because when he wants a break he asks me to write. Until recently, I wrote mostly about Lupus feeling I was doing a service. My case is relatively rare and difficult to diagnose. Because of that, I needed to do most of the research myself and go through a lot of doctors before I was finally given respect and a diagnosis. So I shared my knowledge with Harry's readers because most people don't want to spend hours in libraries and on the computer wading through medical journals.
For the last few years especially this last year after I retired, I've felt better than ever. Stress impacts severely on all autoimmune diseases and that includes Lupus; Diabetes; Multiple Sclerosis; and "events" like heart attacks and strokes. Once I recovered from my last horrible flare, I didn't really care what mistakes the doctors wrote as long as I felt okay. But today I fell again. Before I applied to retire, my balance had gotten so bad I was using a cane, (which was like a third leg and just as annoying,) and going for physical therapy. I couldn't afford to keep going to P.T. so I continued to do at least two of the exercises at home. I don't follow through or exercise either so some of this falling is my own fault.
Once my balance is compromised, and just walking through narrow spaces will do it, I often fall. Not every time, but too often to feel safe. Today I fell walking into my studio. I took with me the whole implement side of my drawing desk and most everything on my little extra table. I haven't picked anything up yet and I must because my cats like to eat my sable brushes. Still, it's my second fall in two months. My arm now has a long red cut from above my elbow to my wrist. I can kid and say it accessorizes the giant black and blue mark and lump on the backside of my arm and the few on my upper arm. I'm really a mass of bruises. Somehow my arms swing into things and I also miss the item I'm aiming for. Uh oh! There goes another spot. My whole body is polka-dotted.
I didn't know if the ease of bruises would cut down as I decreased my steroids but I hoped it would. Instead, it's stayed the same but my funny head stuff increased. People with Neuropsych Lupus would probably understand. We get migraines and strange head feelings of many varieties. It's just a shame it's not just ice cream. That would be nice except of course my weight is horrible so ice cream wouldn't be an improvement. Lupus is just no fun and neither is the frailty that comes with any disease or just aging. It's no joke that illness and aging are only for the brave.

Friday, June 02, 2006

2 Want to Comment?


I've been left out of the Sunday group I used to attend. Do I want to see those people? Some, never, others, maybe when I see them. They were the remnants of the mostly young surfacey D/s group who used to pose for me. My ideas were always different; none of them are liberal and I argued with them. I liked a few but I was left out from the beginning because I didn't fit. I was older with what I think is a more mature attitude and I just couldn't be a pretend sadist. Maybe it's just that I've always been different. Shy, bossy, ambitious, quiet, smart, dopey, and introspective.
Years ago, a sharp friend told Harry and I we were "kooks." Yeah, we are. Just having two kids eighteen years apart proves it. We're too intense, too serious for lighthearted fun a lot of the time.
I don't guess anyone can have everything. I do have good friends who I wish I saw much more often. I'm too lazy and involved with Harry. I just keep doing what I do which now is packing. I wish I were not so creeped out by a person (in a room of say, of forty people,) ignoring me. I think it's because that person is being fawned over by the majority or all the people there. I call that guy "The Italian Guy" because he literally comes from Italy, has a heavy accent and the belief that only men are special. Maybe I couldn't bear not to be the special one, although I don't think that was it. I couldn't have made nice to that guy if I were paid to do it.
So now I see the dynamics because I'm writing about it. Most of those folks were very nice to me. They liked my artwork and posed for free. They were friendly and generous. The only thing I could ever hold against them is their "voting" for the tall, skinny nasty man and maybe "W" too. And definitely their suburban attitudes. (I hope when I move to Delaware, it won't be a sea of isolated suburban bullshit.) I know it would be more suitable to move to Glenside or somewhere artsy but I don't have the money. It takes lots of cash to look and live like a liberal, artsy person. So I'll wallow in suburban muddy waters, treading water and staying in the house.
Pictures won't come out today. I hope they work soon.